I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
