I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
