This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
