I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
