I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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