I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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