i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
