i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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