the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
