Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You can't special order awesome
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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