Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
