so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
