Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
