Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
