Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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