good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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