You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
