I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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