I cannot find my penis.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
