I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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