You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
