fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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