Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I got inside last night via doggy door
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
