i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Randomize
