I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
