I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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