i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
