So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
