thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
