these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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