my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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