Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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