I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
