Porn is love you can see.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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