His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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