Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
