proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
