My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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