happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
