I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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