Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
