i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
