I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
where are my eyebrows?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
