Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
