I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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