Cold hands, warm shart.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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