how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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