turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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