You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
