Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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