Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
