She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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