i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
