That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
